Moore's Minutes 11/22/2005

Notes for today from our friend: the Media

Although 12 hours ago his pulse required a defibrillator to bring him back to life, Detroit Red Wings defenseman, Jiri Fischer, is doing much better. In related news, the National Hockey League has decided to drop its new 2005 slogan, "Heart Stopping Action".

The John F. Kennedy memorabillia collection of the late Robert White will be put up for public auction December 15th -17th in a New York City auction house. Among the items expected to draw the most support are some passports once carried by young wife Jacqueline, a 22-foot presidental sail boat, and the bullet-proof helmet he usually never left home without.

My Mother's Doctor?

(authentic recreation)

So I'm stuck in rush hour traffic today when I look up at the Toyota Sequia in front of me only to discover I'm stalled behind "DOCMILF". Does anyone have any idea what this could mean BESIDES THE OBVIOUS? Any suggestions?

Moore's Minutes 11/21/2005

Notes for today from our friend: the Media

The United States has placed a ban on all poultry from Canada after discovering a dying bird infected with a strand of the bird flu. Officials at Ceasars Palace are uncertain when Celine will be able to return to work, but they all wish her a speedy recovery.

Actor Vincent Pastore, known better as Salvatore "Big Pussie" Bonpensiero on the HBO hit 'The Sopranos', plead guilty to 1 count of attempted assault and will be forced to take 6 months of anger management therapy. When asked if he had an anger problem, the long-time mafia actor responded, "No I don't," then went back to stuffing a body into the trunk of his car.

Legendary actor Donald Sutherland discussed his performance in the film "Pride and Prejudice" this morning on CBS's The Early Show. Without reading the full script, Sutherland was dissapointed in the final product claiming, "I thought this was supposed to be a moive about harassing black people."

In Portland, Oregon today, a plane carrying Nike CEO William D. Perez was forced to make an emergency landing after a landing gear problem developed after take-off. The pilot of the plane informed Perez of the probability for a malfunction, but Perez simply told the pilot to "Just do it."

In Brisbane, Austrailia a drunken woman attempted to open an airplane door mid-flight in hopes of smoking a cigarette. When the woman was asked if she had an problematic addiction to cigarette smoking, she told a Brisbane Magistrate Court, "Its just a habit I could quit anytime. I'm in Control."

Abercrombie: Making life a little easier

Thanks to the marketing department (and former college greek system alums) at Abercrombie and Fitch clothing stores, publicly identifying a whore has never been easier!

Rather than using played-out images of non-existent ski lodges, or tired vintage brand logos, Abercrombie raised the bar on fashion by introducing a line of slogan t-shirts sure to make any gentleman in a backwards 'Cocks' hat drool. Now instead of stalking freshmen with clever quips about who's a 'fag', you will quickly be able to identify the easiest skanks at the party by the slutty billboard written across her chest. With phrases like, "Available for Parties", "I had a nightmare I was a brunette", and "Blondes are Adored/Brunettes are Ignored", the cops might actually believe you when you tell them 'she wanted it'.

Signs of the times

Some people will stop at nothing to cut a corner and make a fast buck. This very issue runs blatantly in our national news as we routinely hear stories of John Q. Moron spilling hot coffee on his lap or June R. Idiot tripping down some stairs to the tune of a large out of court settlement costing employers or tax payers millions of dollars. Unfortunately for those of you 'bums' out there, business owners and government organizations have wised up to your game, and have created full-proof warnings to safe-guard themselves against these frivolous false claims. I recently did a little research and discovered some ACTUAL examples of some of the latest warnings in the fight against fraud:


Warning: Contains explosive barbershop quartet




Absolutely NO projectile cup vomiting




Sweet Dancer Ahead...proceed with caution




Pimps Up/Hos Down





Exit intended for persons nicknamed 'Sortie' ONLY




(Doesn't this sound like an incentive?)





DANGER! You are about to view a 'film' featuring Ashton Kutcher





High Voltage Pornography Ahead

Remember to yield

The spedometer on my car read a steady 15mph as I toiled through the drudgery of evening rush hour. As I contemplated suicide as I do each day on the 405, my visions of painful death were abruptly interupted by a 'unique' license plate frame on the auto in front of me: "I brake for Craft Stores".
Initially these words perplexed me as I contemplated the neccessity for such a frame. Is someone crashing into craftstores at such a high volume that some drivers feel the need to warn other drivers on the road? "You wanna stay off my bumper? I am NOT gonna hit another craft store."
More importantly, where are these renegade craftstores that can't seem to conform to standard pedistrian rules? Though I have never met the unfortunate fate of meeting a jaywalking craftstore on the road, I'm glad there are some people out there giving me the 'heads up' on the whole craftstore-collision situation. God Bless you elderly woman in the Volvo. With your help we'll all learn to slow down when we see an jumpy craftstore waiting for a light.